Friends, Foreigners, Countrymen and Countrywomen,
Lend me a modicum of your time to tell you the woeful tale of TYLER ANDERKVIST.
It has been a while since I've told you a story, times being what they are.
For HALLOWEEN I've butchered Shakespeare's TITUS ANDRONICUS for you.
I hope you will be entertained.
Happy Halloween.
THE WOEFUL TALE OF TYLER ANDERKAVIST
“Get out of my car!” the floral deliveryman shouted. It was
noon on Halloween but the streets of the Hollywood Riviera were already filling
with odd sorts.
“Take me to the dentist!”
“Does this look like an UBER to you?” The back of the SUV
was a sea of fall colored chrysanthemums with plastic pumpkins on sticks, save
for one giant bouquet of red roses.
“Take me to any dentist.”
“You’re mad but incredibly lucky. I’m running late. The next
stop is a dentist. You drop off the roses and I won’t charge you.”
“It’s a deal”.
Jake found the doorway was blocked by three young
skateboarders in red tights with devil tails. The stepsons of Sheriff Sam
Scully were trick or treating and flirting with a dental assistant wearing a
name tag that read, “Plum”. Jake checked
the card on the roses and it also read, “Plum”. She was cute. Her skirt was
obscenely short. He decided he would have her before the day was done. He
crumpled up the card and put it in his pocket. He was not discouraged by the
huge engagement ring she was wearing.
“Plum, sweetheart, I thought if I brought you these roses
you might pity me and give me immediate care. I have a wretched toothache.
We’re filming on the beach and I can’t concentrate on my lines.” His teeth were
fine. He wanted pills.
“OMG! It’s Jake Angelo!” A young girl with cotton in her
mouth squealed, gasped and began choking on the cotton.
Albert, Desmond and Chip, the Sheriff’s devilish stepsons,
mimicked and mocked the girl while Dr. Anderkavist gave her the Heimlich. They
would resume their mission to disgrace Plum later.
Jake Angelo, the lead singer of PIPE, notorious for kicking
over the OSCAR statue when the movie he had a cameo in won BEST PICTURE, was
striking. No matter what you thought of him, he caught your eye. His long brown
hair was shiny, caught the light and cast flashes of red and gold.
After all the patients and Plum were gone, Dr. Tyler Anderkavist
and his brother Dr. Mark Anderkavist had words in the hallway. Mark’s son,
Paul, had told him that he was afraid of Tyler, that he feared his uncle was
having a mental breakdown. Mark was upset that Tyler had given Jake the
prescription and samples. He scolded Tyler for inviting Jake Angelo to Plum’s
engagement party at HENNESSEY’S TAVERN that evening.
“She’s your daughter! How could you set her up like this?
You’re so impressed with celebrity that you would throw your own daughter to the
wolves?” Mark scolded his brother Tyler.
******
Sheriff Scully’s wife interviewed the hitman in broad
daylight. It was easy enough. She owned THE MAGIC STONE GALLERY and part of her
routine was telling fortunes and selling expensive stones to attract love, ward
off evil and cast spells. She pretended it was just another psychic reading.
She gave Aaron a piece of paper with the name of the person she wanted killed.
He was surprised it was not Plum.
“But you hate her so much!”
“I want her to live with what my sons are going to do to her
tonight. Death is too good for her.” Tiffany knew Sheriff Sam Scully married
her on the rebound after Plum turned him down. Now Plum was going to marry
Sam’s brother, Barry the jeweler.
******
Night fell and the streets of the Riviera Village were jammed
with trick or treaters. Dr Tyler Anderkavist’s sons, Quinton, Martin, Morgan and
Lucas came to their sister’s engagement party dressed as the Four Musketeers
Chocolate Bars. Plum was dressed as the Bride of Frankenstein. She and her
girlfriends drank Cosmopolitans and sang karaoke while waiting for Barry to
arrive. He was late. When Jake Angelo jumped on the stage to sing the Social
Distortion version of RING OF FIRE, no one recognized him at first in his Lone
Ranger costume. Then his cowboy hat fell off, out came the cascade of shiny
hair and girls started screaming. Three men in red devil costumes jumped up on
the stage and started pushing and punching Jake. He sang louder and punched
back. People packed in from the street to see what was going on. Someone called
the police and six ambulances arrived. Four Musketeers and two others were
rushed to the hospital.
Sheriff Sam Scully went looking for his brother Barry. The
jewelry store’s front door was locked but the jewelry was still in the window.
Barry’s severed head was bleeding all over a bed of pearls. Sam ran around
back. Barry’s car was there. The back door wasn’t locked.
Trick or Treaters ran screaming out of THE MAGIC STONE
GALLERY. There was a huge bowl of unattended candy, bloody candy. Tiffany’s
head was under the candy. Only her nose was sticking out. In the courtyard
where she read fortunes sat her torso with a giant rose quartz stone where her
head used to be. From the olive tree by the fountain hung the three red devils,
upside down with their throats slit.
Plum’s uncle Mark found her and carried her out to the
paramedics. She was still alive but had lost a lot of blood. Sheriff Scully
fell asleep in a chair by her hospital bed. Her face was cut from ear to ear
and her lips and nose were gone. She was stable and asleep when someone slipped
into her hospital room and stabbed her in the heart. Scully shot the person in
the back as they left the room. The bullet killed the man and the nurse who
came to see what the matter was. Scully was horrified to see he had killed Dr.
Tyler Anderkavist, Plum’s dad. Musketeer Lucas managed to make his way from his
room to Plum’s room in spite of his serious injuries. When Lucas saw what
Scully had done to his father, he pulled the knife out of Plum’s chest and killed
Scully. Tyler’s last words were that he couldn’t let his daughter live like
that.
Musketeer Morgan lived long enough to tell his nurse that
his father stabbed him for trying to stop him from going after the red devils.
Musketeers Quinton and Martin were dead on arrival. The police arrested Aaron
because his fingerprints were found all over the rose quartz stone at the Magic
Stone Gallery. Jake Angelo was reported missing and a person of interest. No
one at the hospital recognized him. He was registered as a John Doe. Whoever
broke his jaw and put him in a coma had also cut off all his hair.
~ the end ~
